Saturday, August 05, 2006
Do you believe that the world that we are living in is a world of lies? I don't. Refer to CK's blog for more details about this supposed world of lies.
Somehow I feel that this is a life of disappointments, and maybe because of this, some people believe we are living in world of lies, since lies => false hope => disppointment. But that's a fallacy, because if we can
see that it
is a world of lies, then isn't there some truth in existence?
I'm sorry. Am I so bored such that I'm picking a fight over nothing? Maybe.
And
I'm sorry for most everything else. Maybe I shouldn't even feel this way, but you make me feel apologetic. Suddenly reasons become excuses, and I'm a selfish ingrate to you. Well, maybe I am. And
I'm sorry.
And more than ever, am I feeling ashamed for so many things: for not being a traditional Chinese girl; for not being a (stereo)typical girl for that matter; for thinking that I'm the most important person in my life, and so many other things.
Suddenly there is some sin in being a modern feminist mainly English-speaking Singaporean girl who has grown up in a secular environment most of her life. And you'll call this yet another excuse. Well,
I'm sorry.
Yes I am ashamed of getting only A (and not A*) for Chinese, and only "Merit" (and not "Distinction") for PSLE. I am ashamed for getting B3 (and not A1) for O' Level Chinese, and a disgraceful D7 (not even scraping a C6) for O' Level Higher Chinese. And today you made me ashamed of getting A2 (and not A1) for AO' Level Chinese. Just when I thought that I had proven myself. Well,
I'm sorry.
Yes I am ashamed of knowing more about foreign festivals and customs than about Chinese festivals and customs. I am ashamed that the only Chinese festivals I celebrate are Chinese New Year and Mid-Autumn Festival. I am ashamed that I can't even name many other Chinese festivals. My own mother, the most traditional Chinese member of the house, doesn't even celebrate them, so you expect me to be aware of them since young? And are you going to call this another excuse? Well,
I'm sorry.
Yes I am ashamed of being selfish, but don't expect me to change anytime soon. I'm the most important person in my life. That's how I stay sane. I'm afraid of being selfless. I don't want to selflessly give my all to someone and one day this someone just leaves me and I have nothing left in my own life but a void. And then you will take this as a sign that I don't trust you. Who says that you won't leave me? Can you guarantee that you'll outlive me, and then in that case I'll be the one leaving first. Well,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I really am.
Please don't say that I shouldn't be talking about death because it's the 7th month. And when I dismiss it as superstition, you will say that I don't value tradition. Well, tradition or no tradition, death is the surest thing in life. It comes, regardless of the number of times one talks about it.
Ironically, this surest thing in life is a disppointment in a life of disappointments.
♥ The lights faded at
7:27 pm
