Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I am a walking contradiction. I am saying this very directly, and in doing so I am also being a contradiction.
Guess everything works on more than one level.
We live to die. Even life is a contradiction.
I feel quite angry somehow. My life seems empty. It's endless days of dreading the next working day. I don't quite remember living my life to the fullest. If I die tomorrow (Heaven forbid), I will have too many regrets in the grave.
I blame it on the lack of opportunity. But do we create our own opportunities? Sometimes. I can't help being poor and hence I haven't seen the world yet. I can't just go rob a bank to fulfill my dreams.
There are so many things I haven't done yet! I have yet to bungee jump, go to Disneyworld, travel alone in New York/Rome/Paris/Greece/Sydney/Hong Kong etc, get married, have a baby, write a book...
And then I recall when I was younger, I went like, "I have yet to fall in love, go to China, climb the Great Wall, have my first kiss, go bra-shopping alone, swim in the sea, touch a shark, be an emcee, read
Pride and Prejudice..."
And now that I have achieved these and I know some are really shallow, but you probably dreamed of owning your own iPod and having that Billabong bag, so it really comes down to ban4 jin1 ba1 liang3. Okay, enough digression. Anyway, I have achieved a fair bit of things, yet I still feel dissatisfied. So it is very likely that after I achieve all the stuff mentioned in the first list (well assuming that I
do get the chance to), I would come up with a whole new list.
Would my life forever be imcomplete unless I become content with everything that I have at the current moment and regard every new thing as an added blessing?
(Whoa. Try saying all that in one breath.)
Argh... I think I shouldn't think so much. (Yep, another contradiction.)
Anyway, I'm also angry because I feel that I don't deserve to be reminded of one thoughtless mistake for the rest of my life. Cut me some slack. It's just like you don't give some guy the death sentence if he killed someone accidentally right?
No, you put him in life imprisonment? So maybe that's why I have to suffer from the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life.
Somehow I have to deal with it. Yet I want to change it. So I don't think this contradiction can ever work itself out.
Sigh.
Nevertheless, there is a silver lining in today's cloud. I got a Certificate of Merit for the Econs quiz, and I'm quite happy about it. As London Tipton would say, "Yay me!".
♥ The lights faded at
4:09 pm
